I hope that the people I love will always love me. I hope that the relationships that I’ve built: the friendships, the coworkers, the family, the acquaintances, I hope they thrive. I hope that everyone that I love is understanding of the fact that I love them, and doesn’t ever forget that I love them. I hope that I continue to do my best each and every day showing appreciation to the people I care about. I hope that I will nourish those relationships and put my best effort in them.
Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, I can tell you what I really want to tell you.
If tomorrow morning, everyone that I know and love in the world wakes up and decides that they don’t love me anymore and no longer want me as a part of their lives, I am okay with that.
Would it hurt? God, yes. It would hurt so much. I would grieve the loss of those relationships. I would feel the ache, the dull pain in my chest, and I would cry and my body would feel weak. I would feel my feelings, and I would let them go. But I would be okay.
It’s a pretty intimidating feeling, if I’m being honest. My entire life has been based on the need of approval from others. It’s been based off the notion that I am not worthy if no one else is telling me so, that if I am told I’m wrong or unhelpful or ugly or shameful, that must be true. So I spent my life changing myself for the sake of others. I dressed a certain way, acted differently, pretended to be interested in things that bored me. I wanted the people I loved to love me, regardless of what that meant for my mental health. I would’ve done anything for the approval.
I have lived a pretty decent life. I had a two parent household growing up that was full of a lot of love. We didn’t live in the fanciest homes or drive the most luxurious cars. But there was never a lack of love, and I remember that feeling very well. When I gave birth to my daughter, I remember thinking to myself “she will always be surrounded in love, even if that’s all I can give her.” I set this goal and have maintained, as a result of the love I had from my parents.
I feel the need to mention my upbringing because I don’t want there to be a misconception about what led me to be this approval-seeking person I grew into. There were hardships, of course. There were outside circumstances that left me in shambles, experiences I had that I thought would break me. Some people have looked at the roads I’ve traveled and wondered how I made it along. All I can tell you is that I did, though sometimes in pretty bad shape. I trudged. We all did, in one way or another.
My mid twenties hit me like a ton of bricks. I am not here to claim that I know anything – I don’t know shit about shit. I can only imagine what hardships and healing I’ll undergo in my thirties. But my twenties have been a learning experience for me, and for the first time, I’m beginning to feel a sense of comfort I haven’t had before. My hopes are that this feeling will only grow as I age and become more comfortable with who I am.
I no longer live in fear of the ways that people will hurt me. I no longer live in fear that every person that I love will leave me, or hurt me, or break my trust. Not because they won’t; people will most assuredly hurt me for as long as I live. As humans we are going to hurt others, and hopefully we do our best to make the hurt as minimal as possible and take responsibility for it right away. I know that people will hurt me, and leave me, and break my trust. But I’m not afraid of that anymore.
I’m not afraid of it anymore because I no longer require your approval. I no longer need someone to tell me that I’m beautiful or worthy or smart or funny or whatevercomplimentyoucancomeup
People's actions are rarely a reflection of you, and most often a reflection of themselves. If you can honestly say that you are meeting every relationship in your life with honesty and compassion, if you are doing your part, if you are nourishing the relationship, and someone decides to hurt you anyways, that is not your fault, and is not a reflection of who you are as a person. Some people will do things that will make you feel as though you're responsible for them, and it's important to know that you are not now, and will never be responsible for the actions of others. Keep your side of the street clean, and sleep every night knowing you're doing your best.
And for the girl who hasn't gotten there quite yet...
The one who is still afraid, who isn't yet comfortable, who isn't quite okay with herself yet, that's fine, too.
There's no timeline for your growth or your healing. There's no deadline you have to meet, no goal to be obtained in a certain frame of time. You're going to get there, even though it's going to suck along the way. I'm having a good day, a good week, a good month. But there will be days that I will need to come back and read this for myself. That I will need to remind myself that I am all of the things I wrote about today, that I have this strength, that I am not afraid. There will be days that I don't feel strong and I do feel scared. And those days are okay, too.
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