It's okay to stop feeling
like you owe everyone an explanation.
Sometimes, the decisions we make are going to impact other people. Sometimes they are going to change someone's life. Sometimes they are going to hurt. That doesn't mean we are making the wrong decision.
Marriage is forever. That's what we're taught, right? If you've made the decision - you've committed your life to someone - that's your journey. There's no turning back. You can't change your mind. No matter how much your head hurts in the morning because you went to sleep crying. No matter how much your lips bleed from biting them all day long. No matter how much your bones ache from being pushed around. No matter how big the hole in your heart gets because all you want is to be truly, deeply loved. No matter how many lies you've been told; secrets you've been sworn to keep, no matter how many times you hide them away in a time capsule that's set to self destruct on the next entry... you've made this bed. Now lie in it.
I'm here to tell you that it's bullshit. This idea that our generation "gives up on everything" so you'd better stick it out... ~or else~
You'll be another statistic!
Fuck. The. Statistics.
There is not a single soul in this world that's allowed to tell you that you should be miserable for the sake of not perpetuating divorce. The cycle is endless. We stay in miserable relationships, have kids in miserable situations, raise them in miserable conditions, and teach them that misery is their only option. That it's better to "see things through" than to make yourself happy. It's wrong. They're wrong.
I wish I could put you inside of my brain for a moment: take you to all the nights I spent crying on my kitchen floor. The nights I spent scrolling through my phone, trying to think of someone that I could call that would skyrocket me to the next right move. Who could wave a magic wand and fix all the ugly things in my life. The desperation. Begging something, anything, to show me what I was supposed to do next. What the right move was to make.
It's okay to walk away, but it won't be easy. There will be days, months, and maybe even years that you'll spend wondering if you did things the right way. Wondering if you jumped the gun. If you filed for divorce too quickly, if you started dating too soon. If you moved to the right neighborhood. If you gave yourself the time you needed to heal before you had to put on that tough bitch exterior that you've grown into so well. The truth is, there is no "right way" to get divorced. If things had gone the way they were planned, you wouldn't be in this situation to begin with. But we adjust. We learn how to breathe when we feel like our lungs are deflated. We learn how to wipe tears in a public bathroom and return to the event we're at without letting anyone know we're hurting. Sometimes we need to reach out, sometimes we need the solitude. Sometimes we need to feel the grief, the pain, the fear. Sometimes we feel those shitty, fucked up feelings even if we were the ones to make the decision to leave, and god damnit, we're allowed to.
We don't owe anyone an explanation for the decisions we make. People are going to wonder, they're going to talk and they're going to gossip. You'll hear stories about yourself you'd never heard before, hear experiences you supposedly had that you never knew about. They'll talk shit. You'll lose friends. People you thought loved you will no longer be there. It won't be easy. But you aren't alone. There's a world of us out there. People who are just as red-eyed and snot-nosed as you are, who can't catch their breath, who wake up with the onset of a panic attack, who cry for no reason at all.
Taking care of yourself can be ugly. It's not all about bubble baths and yoga and herbal tea. It's not all about lunch dates with your best friends and girls' trips. Sometimes it looks like not showering for a week because your insides feel so dirty, you think the outsides should match. Sometimes it looks like not eating a healthy meal, not talking to anyone, not putting your phone down to meditate, not turning off the video games to take a walk.
But, we carry on. We trudge through the mud and we come out on the other side - emerging like a warrior from battle. A little broken, a little bruised, a little tougher, a little stronger. We put on our war paint, we keep our head up, we don't feed into the bullshit, and we remember, above all else, that we survived.
Sometimes when it gets ugly, we just need to embrace it. Feel it. Sometimes self-care looks like indulging yourself in the things we're told are bad for us. Sometimes it looks like knowing that it's okay to be fucking sad, and not every day is going to be the day we do our best. Not being "okay" isn't anything to feel shameful of. We'll get there. Someday.
I can tell you about the sunshine. I can tell you about how it'll get better and how everything you ever wanted will someday be laid at your feet, and you'll be completely happy and content with life. But the fact is, there's a lot of fucking shipwrecks along the way. Stay the course. Weather the storm. Stop avoiding the pain and letting people tell you that everyday the best day of your life. Pain is how we grow. Don't become stagnant on your quest to better your life with facades of joy. Feel it.
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