I live with bi-polar disorder, borderline personality disorder, anxiety and OCD. It took me a very long time to come to terms with this and be able to say it out loud.
I was originally diagnosed in my teen years. Spent a short stint in a mental hospital. Went through a gross ton of meds and dosages trying to find the right combination. It made me tired, made me angry, made me want to give up hope of ever feeling better. Eventually I did give up. I stopped taking meds, going to therapy or even acknowledging that I had a mental illness at all.
As I grew older, I assumed I got my shit together. I assumed I grew out of my childish "issues". I assumed I was a smarter, cuter and all around well rounded individual who didn't have problems. I assumed everyone else was the problem.
I didn't have anger issues, you just didn't listen. I didn't need help, you did. I didn't need friends, they were all assholes anyway. I WASN'T MY MOTHER. She was the one with mental health issues my whole life, and I couldn't be like her.
I was loud, I was obnoxious, I was full of pride. I didn't care who I hurt, I just had to say what was on my chest, and feelings be damned. I was a bitch, and my illness told me it was the only way to attract the right people who really "got me". This inevitably pushed people away and left me feeling alone.
As time went on I became so clouded in my thinking I literally couldn't remember what I'd just said to you. It was so frustrating and disheartening I eventually shut down. I stopped sticking up for myself, I was incapable of self reflection, I was a shell.
It all came to a head and I could deny it no longer. I saw a therapist who said "you're fighting for your life" and I was forced to face the fact that I was. I was fighting. I was fighting and I was losing. I had to let go of my stubborn thinking and allow myself to get help. It wasn't easy, it took a lot of work with therapy and medication. I had to tear down my old way of thinking and build back up something healthy.
So here I am today, a medicated individual. Medicated and better equipped to deal with every day.
THIS! I have dysthymia (chronic depression) and it’s a daily struggle.
ReplyDeleteEven when medication I still have days where I want to stay in bed and not be around anyone. Most people see it as my depression but it’s more of a reset. A time for me to sort through my thoughts and see where I was irrational, see how I’ve been treating others, see if I’m taking enough time for myself.
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I'm so glad you were able to relate! Sometimes a day in bed is exactly what I need too.
DeleteYou should check out the new episode of our podcast, where we dig even deeper into this topic!