For the Girl Who didn't have children

As you get older, you maintain longer relationships, put down roots, find yourself. The more solid you are in this world, the more people expect of you. As a woman, the biggest expectation that is imposed on you is bearing children. You have a vagina, you must bring offspring into the world. 

Here's the problem with this logic, you have no idea what that woman has been through. She may have a disorder that prevents children, her partner may be sterile, she could have been born infertile… hell, SHE COULD NOT HAVE A UTERUS at all. She could also hate kids, or not want to bring another child into this messed up, insane world. None of this matters as she has made an informed decision to not have a child one way or the other.

When you ask a woman if she has a child, and she says "No" that *should* be the end of that conversation, but it is rarely as simple as that. Personally I get asked all sorts of questions about why I don't have children. It's never enough to say that I just don't. It always ends up with me saying "it just wasn't in the cards for us", "my husband had cancer, it's a long story, you're a piece of shit for making me answer this" or some combination of the two. 

Don't tell me that adopting is still an option. No, fucking, shit. I'm not stupid. I know all about adoption and surrogacy. I've done a ton of research and reading into my options, if I ever wish to explore them. I don't need your help, if I ever do you'll be the first to know. 

Women, your body is your business including what goes in, or comes out of it. There are plenty of children in this world that need us. Be an amazing aunt, a kick-ass sister, a bitchin best friend, or a cool mom. Or don't. That's good too.

For The Girl Who is tired of being miserable...

Do you know how exhausting it is to be so constantly stressing over every single tiny problem in your life?

I have zero healthy coping mechanisms. I have no idea how to deal with the problems that I face. I have no ability to feel my feelings and let them go. I get in my head, I hold on to my feelings, I let them fester. I let them grow from a tiny, insignificant issue, to an insurmountable problem with no possible way to overcome.

I’m exhausted in ways that I feel are detrimental to my health. I wake up every morning feeling like I haven’t slept at all, because my brain has kept me up all night long replaying my problems like a bad movie on a loop in a cheap theater. Throughout my day I’m constantly waiting for what can go wrong. Every text I receive, I expect bad news. Every phone call I get, I’m waiting to be met with grief or fear or anger on the other end. I’m tired of holding frozen spoons to my eyes every morning to remove the bags that have formed from spending the previous day crying.  I’m constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m pushing away people I love, I’m not allowing myself to receive love because everyone always leaves so why wouldn’t these people leave too?

It’s fucking ridiculous.

(and then I’ve got to flip it around on myself)

--

Do you even KNOW how much you have to be grateful for? Quit living in your lavish home of self pity of which the walls are painted with every bad word everyone has ever said to you. Tear out the floorboards of your discontent, break the windows of your fears, rip out the drywall that holds your defects so tight the wood is cracked and splintering from the pressure.

You wake up afraid, you go to work afraid, you get home afraid, you eat dinner afraid. You live in a constant state of fear. But every night when you go to bed, you feel in your bones that everything is going to be okay. Why are you doing this to yourself? Where is your trust, your faith? Stop allowing these incessant thoughts to ruin your days and suck the happiness out of your life. The only person in control of your emotions is YOU. Start taking control.

--

At the end of it all…

Bad days are okay. They’re normal. Healthy, even. But if every day is bad, if every event feels like a chore, if you have to gag down every meal, if you have to suffer through every conversation, something is wrong. Do something about it. Stop living your life afraid and fucking do something about it.

For The Girl Who is tired of defending herself...

I want to start off by saying one thing:

The way other people view you is not your problem.

Most, if not all of us, have been there: a bad relationship ended, a fair-weather friend was called out, abusive family members have come to light, and all of the sudden, somehow WE are the bad guy.

The people who hurt us, typically (not always) the antagonist in these situations, will tell partial stories. They’ll tell the version where you said this horrible, can-never-be-forgiven thing, and leave out the hours they spent berating you before you lost all sense of reality and starting spewing vile out of your mouth like a kinked hose that’s just found release.

These toxic individuals have a way of turning everything around to make themselves look like a victim. Regardless of the original issue, people with these types of personality traits are extremely self absorbed and frequently say negative and damaging things about someone else in order to make themselves feel validated. They will make up lies, they will twist your words, they will turn context of anything and everything to better suit their case.

Merriam-Webster defines narcissism as displaying egoism: a doctrine that individual self-interest is the actual motive of all conscious action. I don’t like using words like narcissist lightly; this is an actual personality disorder that people tend to throw around. This can cause invalidation to people who are truly diagnosed narcissistic, in the same way that using terms like “I’m OCD about this” or “I’m feeling bipolar today” can cause general confusion on what the disorders really look like.

However, I do feel that there are people who, while may not have been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, can exhibit extreme symptoms and signs of the disorder.

I like to call these people manipulators.

Not always in the sense that they are manipulating their friends or loved ones into doing bad things, but more in the sense that they are constantly manipulating their surroundings to better benefit their agenda. They can do these things with ease: manipulate others into believing that they were wronged in some way, never truly acknowledging their part in any situation.

The end result of these situations looks ugly. It looks like people’s names being tarnished on the belief that the Manipulator was being truthful about what happened. It looks like losing people who said they loved you, it looks like your friends turning your back on you, it looks like people avoiding you in public places for fear of being seen with you.

Initial reaction when these things happen to you is feeling like you need to defend yourself. Get your story out there. I did NOT do that, I did NOT behave like that. But, does it really matter? If these people you thought loved you, if these “friends” you thought you had were really your friends, would they have believed the stories to begin with? The truth is that their minds are already made up, and nothing you can say will change their minds about what they believe to be true. Defending yourself, exhausting your mind and well-being to try and defend actions that don’t require defense, is only going to end you emotionally drained and feeling helpless.

YOU
DON’T
OWE
ANYONE
AN
EXPLANATION.

It’s important to remember that if you did hurt someone, if you did wrong them, you have to take responsibility for that. You can’t write off your own actions just because the person that you hurt is now, in turn, trying to hurt you. We have to handle our own wrongdoings with tact and make them right. None of this is to say that we don’t have to admit when we’re wrong or have been dishonest. But if you’ve walked the path of someone who has truly had their name drug through the mud, made out to be the villain, or treated with such intense disrespect that it physically hurts you to hear the awful things that people believe about you…

I get it.

I know it hurts. 

I know the pain of people believing you’re evil, or mean, or hateful.

Do not stoop to their level.

Don’t bother trying to defend yourself. Your actions do not require defense. People will believe whatever is convenient for them to believe, and not necessarily what the truth is. Don’t allow yourself to get sucked into their bullshit and try to play the blame game. Do what you know is best for you. Take care of your mental health, don’t engage, and if anyone has something to say, tell them to go fuck themselves.