For the Girl Who is lost...

Let's face it, 

one of my biggest obstacles in life has been "discovering who I am"

I am 24 with no real sense of direction on which way I'm going. 

Some days I want to be an artist,

a painter 

a writer

a poet

a dancer

with the image of sitting in a well lit studio or café swirling through my head, sipping on that oh so perfect latte watching crowds roll through with painted smiles on their faces, feeling immensely inspired. 

Some days I want to be the girl who travels,

you know the one...

the girl who basks in every new adventure, a different place each week, the one who makes life seem so easy and carefree 

and BEAUTIFUL

And some days I want to be sunshine, 

the girl who glows and emanates beauty, who smiles like the sun actually shines out of her ass, who is just so breath taking and wonderful as a human that you pull in every which direction just to know her. 

Each day a new me, a new image, a new mask. 

But the hard part? Deciding which version is the inner me, the actual person that resides in this body and not just the façade. 

No, this goes deeper than that. This goes further than just self discovery. This is a deep sea dive into the struggle and fight of each inner working, each part that represents the "me" that I am. 

This goes to the emotional war, the seperation against each version of me that exists in the world, in the eyes of friends, and the image of myself living in my brain.

In the beginning you'll feel like a false prophet, shouting words that aren't truly yours, leading a trove of people to an idea you created, hoping they'll take it as truth.

Until eventually, you yourself believe in the false face.

This goes to the everyday battle
The person you once were
The person you wish to be
And which path you'll travel to get there

This goes to the anxiety you feel, as you start to age while your arms flail hoping to catch even the slightest bit of who you are. Where your insecurity creeps in hounding on you for not yet figuring it out, for failing not only yourself but the world.

This goes for that slight moment of clarity, as you start to discover the pieces of yourself that didn't before exist. The ones that fall into the right places while your fears subside and your inner pendulum settles, revealing exactly who you are supposed to be; all the things you've dreamt of all along.

This goes for the girl who wants to be everything at once, who takes a piece of each person, each day, and holds on

This goes for the girl who is just like me.

For the Girl Who struggles to stay sober...

Have you ever had the feeling that everything people used to say about you, was right?

This feeling came very slow for me. It came creeping up, day by day, night by night, until one day it was staring at me in the mirror like the ghost from my past that I thought I'd exorcised years ago.

Suddenly, I heard all of those familiar words circling in my head like whispers in the wind.

Junkie.

Addict.

Loser.

Tweaker.

Drunk.

These insults which I used to laugh off with impunity, which used to make me feel some dirty sense of infamy and pride, were all present. The rolled-up dollar bill I had in my hand fell to the floor. 

What. The fuck. Happened.

How did I end up here? I cried. Hard. For the first time in a long time, I saw my reflection in the mirror, and I saw all of those things. I saw the things that people had warned me I'd become if I didn't stop. I saw the raw emotion of a girl that I once knew, now trembling, head-spinning, asking herself the same questions she'd asked a thousand times before.

How did I end up here? Why can't I stop doing this? What happened to my will, to my resolve to never be this girl again? 

I wasn't a girl anymore, truthfully. I was a woman, young at 24 years, and yet I felt like an aged oak tree with rings that were so far tattered and torn that half of the history had been erased. 

I laid on the bathroom floor and I sobbed. The shame I felt was overwhelming. Everyone was going to be so disappointed. Everyone was going to hate me. Everyone was going to judge me. 

My worst fears were coming true. I was right back to square one. All I'd learned over the years about myself suddenly didn't matter. All I could feel, all I could think about, was that it was time, now. I was tired of fearing my own habits. I was tired of leaving my morals and values at the door when I entered the estate of my drug addicted brain. 

This was it. The hopelessness was enough. I couldn't bear the thought of living this way anymore. It became too much. I was ready to die.

At this point, I wasn't aware that there was another option besides dying. Little did I know, there would be an entire life waiting for me on the other side of this brick wall that I had hit. And I had no idea how easy it would be for me to find it.

As a young person living sober, I faced many challenges in early sobriety that I thought would dissipate with little time. Some of them have only gotten harder. I was told by someone much more experienced than myself, when I was very brand new and still trembling with withdrawal and fear, that "sobriety isn't for pussies." That's the truth. It takes a lot of hard work and perseverance. But many of the early challenges I faced have now become a cast; a mold for me to shape who I have become and am still becoming, a scorching flame to forge a blade from what was once just shards of unworkable metal. The hopeless, the despair, the fear, it goes away. The thought of death as my only escape is now a fleeting one, only to return in rare moments where my guard is let down. It gets better.

A new life was easy to find, but it isn't always easy to hold. Days are battles in this endless war against myself, but the knowledge I have behind me now carries me through those battles like a well-armed solider in an endless crusade. 

Here's the point: it gets better. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow or next week or next month. But, over time, those forlorn thoughts will turn to pride, the desperate reflection will turn to self-love, and the fear that you thought would never expire will turn to an undying passion for yourself, on your journey to a state of true and complete happiness. 

You are not alone. You are not crazy. You are not weak.

You've got this. 

For the Girl who reads this...

I didn't start this blog with the intent to inspire. 
I started this with the intent to navigate my own life, to feel less alone. 

I always struggled with understanding my place in the world and who I set out to be. 
Like all humans, I found comfort in being able to talk out my inner struggles with close friends. 
However,  I started to feel like reaching out wasn't enough anymore. 
That navigating my life and emotions was a burden to those I unloaded on. 
And The place that I once found comfort in was now clouded with doubt, guilt. 
Guilt that I had placed the people I loved into the position of hearing my bullshit and yet also doubt that they cared to hear it anymore. 
Even though I knew they loved me, I couldn't shake the feeling that my journey to self discovery was now a burden. Just an annoying buzzing they were obligated to listen to because I am me. 

I want For the Girl to be for every person who has felt the way I do. 
A place to find comfort when you find that you've now become a burden.
A place to find that it's okay to cry
And to smile
And to laugh
A place to know you aren't alone
A place that you, like so many of us, can feel at home.